You might see a friend struggling and know they’re in a particularly difficult season of life. You might wish you could help, but you don’t know how. You probably won’t ask that friend because you don’t want to bother them. And even though you’re well intentioned, you might end up doing nothing at all, simply because you don’t know what to do. 

Or you might be the struggling friend. You might wonder when that village is going to show up—the one that’s supposed to help you when you need it. You might feel isolated and alone. You might wonder why friends don’t reach out. You might be afraid—for so many reasons—to ask for help. You might not even know what you need.

I’ve been both of these people. Being in each of these positions is hard. It’s hard to watch a friend struggle and feel helpless to do anything. It’s hard to be the friend struggling and not know how to get help. 

Most recently, I’ve been the struggling friend. I’ve been in a particularly difficult season of life. In the last three months, my dad was hospitalized for a heart attack; my grandmother passed away after a brief illness; I found out I was expecting my second child; my toddler started preschool; and I’ve had significant health challenges related to my pregnancy that have impacted my ability to work, take care of my daughter, and complete basic tasks. It feels like I can’t recover from one challenge before another one comes along. 

I’ve mentioned before that I struggle with asking for help, and I also have a tendency to go off the grid when I’m overwhelmed or not feeling well. Yelena, a friend of mine who knows what I’ve been going through, has been reaching out anyway—texting me to check in, sending me words of encouragement, reminding me to rest—even if I don’t respond.

Recently, I got an email in my inbox from a food delivery service notifying me that Yelena sent an e-gift card to cover a meal. She knows I’ve been struggling to eat and, as a mom with a toddler herself, she knows how hard it is to cook for your family when you don’t feel well. Thanks to her, I got to order an entire meal for my family from a restaurant of my choice and have it delivered right to our door. 

It wasn’t a special occasion. It wasn’t something I asked for. But this was probably one of the most meaningful gifts I’ve received. Yelena didn’t ask. She put herself in my shoes, and she sent me a gesture to let me know she’s thinking of me but also to make my life a little bit easier. 

I had been feeling like I was being such a bad friend to Yelena. She recently had major life events herself—she bought her first house, moved to a new neighborhood, and her son recently celebrated his first birthday. But she’s been hanging in there with me, understanding when I don’t feel up to talking, and doing little kindnesses to let me know she’s there. What. A. Friend. 

When your friend is struggling, be a Yelena. When you are the struggling friend, I hope you have a Yelena in your corner, too. 

Photo: "Two cheerful friends cooking together" by Kharichkina