Discouraging Words (or What Not to Say)
We’ve all been there.
A bad thing happened.
Your child was hospitalized or developed an illness.
Your parent got sick or injured.
Your house flooded or had a fire.
A beloved pet died.
You got into a car accident.
We can’t get through this life without dealing with moments of grief or loss, struggle or strife. But it would be nice if we could get through those difficult moments without what I call discouraging words.
You know the ones. The words that get said when people don’t know what to say. The words that are supposed to comfort you and make you feel better but actually make you feel worse.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
I heard this phrase when I was laid off from my job after just buying a house. When my beloved cousin died after a lifelong illness. When my daughter was born prematurely.
I hate this phrase. I also hate this phrase’s more overtly religious cousins, “It’s God’s will,” “God works in mysterious ways,” and “God only gives you what you can handle.”
The more adverse experiences I’ve endured, the more I’ve come to realize that these phrases are just not true. Children aren’t born sick for a reason. Young people don’t die suddenly for a reason. Bad things don’t happen for a reason. Sometimes bad things just happen—period.
When my daughter was born prematurely, I didn’t need to hear any of those statements. I needed to hear this:
You didn’t cause your child’s illness. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent it. And your child didn’t get sick to teach you a lesson.
“Everything happens for a reason” could be—and was, in my case—interpreted to mean the very opposite of those things I needed to hear.
Can we all agree to stop saying this? When in doubt, an “I’m sorry” works wonders. Even “I’m praying for you.” But please, please, please don’t tell me my bad situation happened for a reason.
